I’m not throwing anything back because I’m not feeling nostalgic. the more and more I read what I used to write about being alone and thinking the things I thought, the more I’m starting to wonder if anyone can really handle what goes on in my head. I think the majority of my thoughts are too intense for anyone to comprehend without scaring them off. which makes it easier to understand why I am in fact alone. since letting people in and handing out trust like free shirts at a zoo, I have learned that this world is a selfish and a narcissistic one. people underestimate me. like I am just like every other girl on the planet who will fall for anything and will find out nothing. and honestly, I wish it were true. I would love nothing more than to live in ignorant bliss and believe everyone is good. believe that everyone’s end goal is to give love and care about someone other than themselves. but I guess your life would not be intriguing if that were the way it was. why can’t we just be satisfied by the simple and boring day to day routine of monotonous living? I remember writing about loving people that have made terrible mistakes and who have a dark history. the reason why these people are such heroes to me is because they have a better understanding of right and wrong. God gave us these habits, vices, and these ugly tragedies to show us that there is something to be taught through all of this. that we are to become better men and women because of the disgusting things we’ve seen and done. you are supposed to come back from it. I believe that anyone who hinders you from moving forward by shoving your mistakes in your face is someone who hasn’t seen ugly. judging anyone is distasteful and I’m guilty of it. I’m guilty of it because I have no faith in people and believe they will ultimately fail any expectation I set for them. but I also love being proven wrong so feel free to surprise me. here are things I’ve wanted to say to you (plural) but never will:

1. if you want it, you can have it. you can have anything you want. if you’re afraid of failing, then it’s something worth giving a shot. we are young and selfish. it is a lot more excusable now to go after what we want without thinking about the consequence than to wait and wonder about how it would have felt if we just took the plunge. I’ve made more poor decisions than I can count. but having seen this mess and how ugly people can be, we all deserve something beautiful from it. God doesn’t put you through these things for nothing. these things didn’t happen for no reason. it has to be worth something. please don’t shut me out because of what people expect of you. I still think you’re better than that.

2. being the kind of person you are has made me learn so many ugly things about myself. after everything, the beautiful parts of my life began to start looking like illusions. thank you. you’ve made me tougher. I really hope that you start to do all the things you want to do and actually believe and practice the things that come out of your mouth. if everything we ever said came true and all our promises to people were set in stone, you’d be living a really different life my friend. it wouldn’t feel as shitty, I promise. speak with integrity and intention. only intend on building someone up and not tearing them down. and only stick to one story. pick an opinion and a path and commit. I know you can do it, you have enough conviction and can make anything disgusting pretty again.

3. we used to be the same and somewhere along the way, you needed to focus on yourself. and I am more than happy that you got better and had the help you got. you’re a beautiful person and no one else will compare. I am eternally thankful for the role you played in my life and will always forgive you for what happened between us. we needed it. I miss you all the time.

4. you are all magnificent. you never speak to hurt me or each other, you’re never judging, and you put up with all of the annoying quirks. I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you’ve done. I will never let you walk out of my life without a fight. know that I will always be here for you whenever you need anything. that’s what you do when someone saves you.

what have I learned? well, as pessimistic as I am, I am secretly optimistic someone will come and change me and make me believe they are better people than what I initially see. has anyone yet? no. and I’m okay with that.

so now would probably be a good time to start reminiscing on my 2012 and talk about all the shit i hated about it and how 2013 will be sooo much better.. 

but i think i’ve done enough complaining for one year. i’m actually really glad that everything about 2012 was the way it was. it was by far the roughest year of my life, going through all the dark stuff i went through, but i had the time of my life in between. 

we all know what happened, so i won’t reiterate. even though i went through a lot of chaos, turmoil, and confusion, i got a little closer to family, fell in love more than once, and got to see a real life long-lasting testimony of love this summer.

what did i learn? no matter how hard it hurts, yeah you’ll hit rock bottom, but you don’t stay there. you get back up because that’s the only direction you have left to go. don’t give up. about love? well i learned that falling in love is easy. it’s easy to fall for someone. staying there and actually loving them is the part that takes time. loving on them, making sacrifices, putting them before yourself, that is the part that takes forever. have i felt that yet? nope. everything i have felt was a lot like love, but not quite love. because when you love someone, you don’t stop. and i know that now. 

i’m just sick of love vultures. love vultures need to stay away from me. i’m a nut. and so so bored, which is no good for me or anyone i’m involved with. this time, i won’t write about them. i’m just gonna live it up.

nature walk! (Taken with Cinemagram)

You have great potential in this lifetime. The key to your life is gratitude. You do not give enough thanks.. Say thank you.. All the time! Like now.. after I say thank you, I should say more please.. That with gratitude, the universe is eternally abundant.. Thank you more please. Thank you more please. Thank you more please.

i love this. the Lord is like any great dad. all he wants is the best for you, he’s always in favor of you. and unlike our earthly father, he is not limited in resources. so act like you deserve to be loved, deserve the best, and do not settle for anything less than what is best for you. give thanks to him every chance you get and always expect things to go the way they are supposed to. he will make it work. 

Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Fuck. Yes.

(via rachelfershleiser)

(via anouskie)

personalhomepage:

SIMULATION by Mark Dorf

chrisdonayyz:

nestorarnel:

Age 104 old man and his age 100 wife, they are poor. They have been married for 81 years and they never had a group photo. When the old lady got dressed up the wedding dress, old man was so happy to hug his wife, and said his wife is so beautiful.

(via isabel-n-mommy)

a list of things i need to understand according to andy stanley:

1. promises are no substitution for preparation. commitment is way overrated. ”The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to the ways, but the folly of fools is deception.” proverbs 14:8 ”The simple believe anything, but the prudent give thought to their steps.” proverbs 14:15

2. the paths people choose trump the commitments they make. the past is a better indicator than the promise.

my personals:

1. my understanding of this is that a promise means nothing if you haven’t made the necessary steps to prepare for making that kind of promise. you don’t put a downpayment on a car before you’ve saved enough to make payments on that loan. we need to stop making empty promises to one another. all we can do is try. as much as anyone wants to do right by someone else, it is not fair to make a promise you cant keep. after all, when do things ever go the way you plan? if you commit to something you cant do, your commitment is worthless. patience and preparation. these verses mean that a fool is easily deceived by a promise, whereas a wise person looks at paths and ways a person got to be where they are. and they understand that the paths they took affects their future

2. what can i say that hasn’t already been said? i honestly don’t think its fair not to forgive someone for their bad past. how do they start a new one without someone giving them a chance? but i suppose a bad habit has to be nipped before it starts. i don’t think i ever really truly gave up wanting detachment. it was so easy for so long and then someone walked right on in and ruined the whole damn operation. and i love him for that. but did i ever really stop the habit? yeah, before the happening, i wanted some real love and stopped what i was doing for a while. but how long is long enough to break a habit? i have no desire to be promiscuous so maybe i already know the answer to all that.  

a list of things i need to do according to andy stanley:

1. address your unresolved childhood issues. if you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you’ve done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be an attempt to complete the hole in your heart.

2. don’t dress like a commodity and don’t put up with being treated like one.

3. break your bad habits or the good things will get better and the bad stuff will get worse

4. postpone the physical component of your dating relationship as long as possible

5. Avoid living together.

6. Non-Christians: don’t date a christian unless you plan to become one

my personals:

1. this makes total sense. and I’m glad that i have a relationship with both my parents. its not perfect, but its something. and i love them both for being who they are, childish or not.

2. this breaks my heart for the young girls that are trying to grow up so fast. i was at such a trying time in life when i was a preteen. being bullied is not fun. depression is such an easy thing to fall into at this age, and having the relapses i do, i wouldn’t put it on my worst enemy. so any young girls that are reading this, dont dress in distaste if you want to be treated with an ounce of respect by a guy. if you feel a need, then its not worth it.

3. bad habits, bad habits, bad habits. they are no excuse for bad behavior. if you put up with someones bullshit and they tell you to accept them for who they are, a bad habit is not who someone is. its something they do. don’t kid yourself. learn to tell the difference. i have so many to work on. my mind is fucked up with all sorts of bad habits. one of them is giving in too easily to my emotions causing me to become very depressed for reasons that are silly to anyone looking in. i could also afford to learn some patience. and silence. talking is so exhausting and i don’t always want to be the one to talk about it. so many things could be solved in silence. 

4-6. are self-explanatorily reasonable. of course you don’t want something physical to ruin a relationship of the mind and of somewhat intelligence. it is almost unrealistic to expect zero physical contact with someone, but the idea of “postponing” is perfect. its the idea that yes, the physical is inevitable, but lets see how long we can be fulfilled with just the presence of each other. and honestly, if you haven’t been together longer than a real commitment, then anything more than a weekend sleepover is damaging. it is so tiring having to feel the need to entertain each other. one starts to get sick of the other, the other will feel a lack of attention. this is just a fast forward leap into a constant push and pull to and from one another. and that is not normal. not for anything less than a marriage. as far as Christianity goes, i hope and pray that anyone who tell you they love God more than they love you is telling the truth. it breaks my heart. it really does to see someone use their faith to impress someone else. this will just hurt you both in the end. 

arguing is so necessary. a relationship will eventually feed on that. but im not ready for the eventual.. just the puppy love. and so far, ive loved the process of falling in love. i pretend i dont, but i do. and i would love to go back and deny all those kisses in public. 

will i ever start talking about just my day? why does everything have to be a life lesson? i don’t know, but one thing is for sure, i love Jesus.

teenvogue:

Ice cream colored denim at Vigoss spring 2013

my love!!

i am so beyond excited that my friend Jenny wrote me a letter and i got it today :) she sincerely writes:

Dear Miranda, 

it has been a blessing my dear. getting to room with my best friend, my baby M, one of the funniest girls i know :). i got to come “home” to a group of my favorite girls, and do late night hw/gossip with you every night! when you first moved in i was happy, but not like OMG i’m super excited! cause, well, we weren’t that close. and i didn’t expect to become such great friends! we haven’t kept in touch over summer as much as i thought, but i know we’ll be back to where we left off when i see you next month. i’m sorry for all the pain you went through this year. you’ll look back on it one day and think it was a good experience because it’s our weakest times that force us to become stronger. just know, worst case scenario, you have Deahna and I, we look out or you and will always want the best for you. this new guy Tim, he better be a good guy, cause, you deserve someone soo great Miranda. I’m so happy he makes you happy at this moment, i hope he is everything you want. i love thinking back about all the funny times we shared, awkward moments we created, southern accent outbursts, and minutes of only laughing we’ve had. next year, you will always be welcomed in D and I’s suite, borrow clothes, use make-up, spend our flex, ANYTHING. you’re my girl. i miss you very much darling. you will forever and always be my “sweetmate” <3 thanks for all the memories BabyM. 

Love,

Jenny Borck

this, to me, is true love. and i’m so beyond blessed that God gave me such wonderful friends. they’ve been more than friends to me, they are my family away from family. and i love them so much for it. it makes me sad that other people don’t have them. i’m hogging their love!